Current mood:

crushed

So we are making arrangements for me and the kids to move out of the house. I know that there are divorce papers on her desk. I read her words and tears well up and my heart stops, and I can’t breath. I hate where we are. I hate that I haven't kept my promises. Promises I made to her and the one I made to myself. I hate myself for not being what she needs. I lost my happiness and I haven't been able to find it. I can’t find joy in my life, I can’t enjoy my kids.

Something that I composed when I was at a low point on Sunday morning;

“I am filled with a sadness
not profound or mysterious,
just a sadness, like cold water.
It is sadness that drowns even my little joys.
I sink and can’t find anything to hold on to.
I know there are hands reaching for me,
but the darkness hides them from me.

I want to make her happy, but I know I can’t unless I can find my own happiness. I want to be the companion to follow her dreams with. Fear and guilt are the only thing that prevents me from doing these things with her. Fear and shame keep me from opening up my soul to her. Fear keeps me from giving her my heart.

I find my self feeling alone in crowded rooms because I am so afraid of opening up and letting anyone close enough to me to see how frightened I am.


I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be away from her,
I want her to be happy
I want to be happy

I have made promise that I have not kept, I have failed my kids, I have failed my wife, I have failed my self.

I love her so much

So I will leave her to find her happiness. I owe her that and so much more.



Even as I read this back to myself part of me scream and rails in the back of my mind:
"promise her the world, we can do it this time." but I have lost faith in myself, just as she has...

And another part of my mind keeps showing me how happy she was without me...
and I feel terrible sadness welling up, knowing that I couldnt give that to her, and that i was keeping her from finding it for herself..
and I want to walk away and vanish into the darkness...